Monday, September 16, 2013

Chasing Lucidity

Ever since mom passed, at times I wake up in the middle of the night in a foggy and non-lucid state. The first thought that pops in my head is,  where's mom? I need to call her. We should go shopping and hang out. I need to tell her what Baby C just did cause that would make her smile. In that state of mind, I don't realize she's gone and all that's happened. Did all of it even really did happen?! Then, as I breathe and my lucidity gradually eases in, all the events in the past year just hits me...a rude awakening. She's not here anyone. She's gone forever. I will never see her face in a lively manner again. Her smile, her laughter and most of all her voice. I miss that. It's a surreal concept with her being gone. She was a part of my daily life. Even as an adult, there was not a day I didn't at least speak with her over the phone. We saw each other several times a week. We were just close. And then she went away.

The last few weeks, I've been haunted by all the bad times. It's strange, I can remember those memories so precisely.  Every little moment and finest detail. Then, as I try to focus on a good past memory (before she got sick); I struggle. I really really have to focus to remember the times before her illness. 

I think about her each and every day. Second guessing decisions what were made. Wondering if there was something more I could have done to save her. To make her healthy and for her to be here with me enjoying times with the grandson she very much wanted to meet. But it wasn't in my control.  

I wanted to share a song that's really resonated with me lately. Being a young caregiver and taking care of someone terminally ill.