It's been awhile since my last post. Partly, it's because in any given week or day even, I go through a slew of emotions and by the time I sit to write an entry, and come back to edit it; the feelings of things are just different (if that makes any sense).
To summarize, lately, I've been very regretful of certain things. I regret not giving mom a grandchild sooner. I know it's stupid to think that way but for years and years, I put off having kids . She'd always ask me when she was going to be a grandma. She was SO looking forward to the day when she would be. It just really breaks my heart I guess, that she was two months shy of meeting C. But it is what it is, I suppose. Can't change it. Then I think that if I were to have had a baby sooner, I would not have been able to take care of her to the extent I did. So the timing actually worked in a weird way cause there were days I did not know how I did what I did. So, if I had a child in all that - I don't know how I would've done it. Just last night, I was thinking of her and chatting with my husband about all this and it dawned on it that her passing at the time she did was actually in a weird way a gift to me. She was worried about me and my pregnancy and dealing with so much. She'd ask me every day how I was feeling. Even the afternoon before she passed (while she was alert enough), she asked me to come over closer. I remember her caressing my belly and then kissing it..then she softly smiled. It was a child-like smile of pure and utter content and happiness. Then she closed her eyes and feel asleep. I see now that she wanted to go so that I can start my family and it be 100% of my time and focus.
Some other things that's been consuming my mind several weeks ago were those very dark times. The times where you feel so lonely and helpless. The times you see all the bad stuff when you are the primary caregiver. I've just been having flashbacks of some of those times. Like the time I went out for just a bit and came back to find her on the floor propped up against the hospital bed with her oxygen like across the room and she wasn't able to reach it and she was just crying. Or, New Year's Eve when she woke up in the middle of the night and was having breathing issues and she said she felt like she was going to die now. And rushing her to the ER at 2 am in the morning and then finding that she had a massive blood clots that were branching out and she was touch and go for a few days. Or the time I was on the sofa in an adjoining room while my sister sat with her as the nurse came in to give her medications and she her body had to be readjusted and all I could hear was her crying and moaning my name. Or the numerous times I had to clean away every form of bodily fluid and she looked up at me with helpless eyes....knowing that her dignity was going away but relieved that I was there with her to handle it all. I think the worse of it was when I had to wipe tears away when she'd ask why this was happening to her. Before I had Baby C, I use to think how gross it was to clean those dirty diapers, or all the puke and spit up..and just taking care of another human life. When C was born, I said to myself, "I got this".
Lastly, I've been feeling that void again with mom not being here. I am enjoying all the little things Baby C is doing, all the little milestones he's reaching and it just makes me so so sad, that mom is not here to see it. It's not as bad as the first few weeks of his birth...those days were bad. So many nights as I nursed him, I couldn't help but cry and cry. But then you don't want your baby to feel that sadness emanating off of you so you keep it inside..and just hold him closer to show him you love him more than anything else in the whole world.