One Month

This part Wednesday was the one month mark of mom's death. It's strange to think it's only been a month because for me it feels so much longer. It feels like a lifetime ago actually because each day I took care of her was jammed pack with so much craziness. I've been doing ok. It's been especially hard this week because I've started to take care of all the financial/legal matters. Yesterday I went in to her bank to notify them of her passing and as I sat there in front of the banker and she kept calling all the different business lines telling them each of the death, it felt like an icy dagger stabbing my heart each time. To hear her name and the word 'deceased' was surreal. I had to force myself to keep my composure. 

My mind also wanders...in a few days, it will be my birthday. The first birthday without her. I'm definitely going to feel it that day. It was our mother-daughter tradition to go spend a day going shopping, grabbing lunch and just hanging out. When I became an adult, she would never know what to get me as a gift so when we'd shop, she'd have me try on clothes, experiment with makeup and perfume..and if I liked something in particular, she'd just get it for me. She knew that I was always the kind of person to never really treat myself to nicer things, so she took that as her cue. She'd always ask where I wanted to go to lunch and I'd always pick an Asian place. Not because it was my favorite, but it was hers. I am going to miss days like that. 

In one month (or less!), this past Wednesday is the one month mark of my due date of my first born. Even though this week has been especially stressful, I feel joy and complete happiness to welcome this baby into the world. It's one amazing feeling to love someone who you have yet to meet. I keep thinking...this is how mom felt about me as her first born. I go back and read passages of the journal I got her back last summer. She was so thrilled for this baby. You can tell that even though very sick, she knew that this was meant to be for me. Lately, as the pregnancy becomes harder on my body, I talk to her and I feel like she is around me like a warm blanket. I see the sun rise as I drive to work, I see and feel her. I recall all the tips, advice and conversations we had at each chemo appointment.  I am so grateful for those precious moments...because she taught me of what a mother should be. It's hard to explain but I feel like she went away and I don't need her anymore (even though she's missed dearly). She gave me all the life lessons, love and tools I needed.Everything she has put into being a mom, has come around and she's passed the torch for me to be a mother. I get it now. The big picture...this deep inner happiness that no one can take away.