Over the last few weeks, I've been handling some unfinished business that I finally felt strong enough to tackle. As you can imagine, the first few weeks after having Baby C has been bittersweet and it really took an emotional toll on me especially in post pardum and mom being gone (will take more about this in a separate blog post).
The first thing that I have been dragging my feet on is opening the two suitcases that I quickly packed the morning mom passed from the hospice. I don't really know why I couldn't open it -- mom passed in February; it was now JUNE. I had the two suitcases in my spare bedroom and would always glance at it in passing and just didn't have enough courage to open it up. I guess apart of me knew that once I open it, I'd relive that morning. I'd see the pants and top that the nurse took off her body as they prepared her body to move to the funeral home; the soft pink robe I got her cause she was always so cold in her final days; the wig she wore at the beginning of the journey but later just wore hats; the small trinkets, notes, pictures that sat beside her on her nightstand. I'd smell her favorite perfume and her unique scent.
I guess when it came down to it; I was just plain afraid to relive that morning. Being woken up in the wee hours of the morning, rushing over to the hospice, entering her room and just seeing her lifeless body there. She wasn't made up and didn't look like how she did at the funeral funeral. Instead she looked sick, and lifeless. The one thing I remember was her jaw dropped which was normal of the deceased. That's an image that will haunt me. I didn't want to remember that again. I remember taking a picture of her because my sister wanted to see her (a few weeks later, I deleted the image from my cell phone). I wanted to remember her happy, smiling and lively.
Well, a few weeks ago, I was telling my husband about how I should really open it so that I could get her iPad out to give to my sister when she visited. My sister worked very hard at putting so much on there and I knew she'd want to keep it. I knew I had to open it. I sat there just staring at it. My husband saw this, grabbed the two suitcases, brought me closer and just opened them. He helped me go through it to find what I needed. I thank him for that. I couldn't have done it alone.