Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Turning Point

The past week mom's had a pretty nasty cold. As you know, getting a cold with a fever while your white blood counts are low can be detrimental to a chemo patient. I've been doing my best to stay on top of it with the help of the doctors. Mom had an ongoing low-grade fever for several days last week and into the weekend. We were able to break it a few times but it kept coming back. Luckily it was not higher than 100.5 (the magic number the clinic tells you if you have to be rushed to the ER if it goes higher).

The cold-like symptoms are finally subsiding thankfully. But, I am still very concerned about mom's spirits right now. She's very depressed, weak and lethargic. I can tell she's just frustrated at not being able to do anything and she's just thinks deep down she doesn't have much time left. She's told me she feels like the cancer is just eating away at her body and all the treatment is not doing anything so why bother. She often asks me the hardest questions: "Why is this happening to me; I am a good person?", "How much time do I have left", "What have I done in life to suffer like this?" etc. I just let her speak her mind. There are no answers that I can really give her. I am not going to lie and tell her things will be ok. It's not me. I just hope as we start the sixth round of chemo this week, that she still has a bit of fight in her.

Deep down I am planning how I am going to do this if she slips further and further. My mind is always multi-tasking these days it seems. Up to this point, I've only done research on hospices but I am thinking that within the next few weeks, I need to actually make an appointment and visit these facilities. I can't keep avoiding what I am afraid of.  From a few people I've talked to, they are not as scary as you think and are quite welcoming. Mom and I both know that I am exhausted and she said that I will need help here pretty soon. So that's where we're at.

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