Friday, January 4, 2013

The Darkest Days

These have been my darkest days thus far. The last couple days I feel like my heart has shattered into a million pieces. So much has happened in just the matter of a few days.

First things first, mom's catheter was removed today. Ever since it was surgically inserted it's been causing her a great deal of pain. They tried to drain fluid out of her lungs and there was a striking pain. They waited a few days to see if would get better but it didn't. It got to the point where she would just have to move a couple inches, or cough and she'd be groaning from the pain and had to take morphine. She was just miserable.

Yesterday I spent the entirety of the day talking to a slew of people while I sat and watching mom as she tried to get some rest. I met with the pharmacist, the palliative doctor, the pain management nurse, the physical therapist, the chaplain, the social worker and Dr. A.  They all are working together to make mom as confortable as possible and give me some much needed support in various realms.

The most important meeting of the day was meeting Dr. A and the palliative doc. Mom told them that she wanted to stop treatment once and for all. The side effects are just too much to bare anymore and she is just choosing to be free of it all.  She's been on so many meds these past few months, that she takes drugs to offset symptoms of other drugs she's taking. It was hard to hear her say those words but I respect how far she's come. Yes, I yearned to find out if one of the c-met inhibitors could make an impact on diffuse gastric cancer in our family but it will not happen. And,  although some might say it was all for nothing, I don't agree with that.  I fought each and every day to get to the next.  Together her and I took this journey together and each day was truly precious and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I love my mom immensely and I will always do what's right by her...even if it means letting her go.

4 comments:

  1. My hearts breaks for you Lorita. But I also respect your mom's decision. All the way you've fought hard and even now, you're still fighting and keeping strong. It takes incredible strength to "let go." Through your courage and strength, you fought for your mom to get drugs not approved for gastric ca approved and you've shown us that it is possible! That just because someone says no, you can still twist their arm and move mountains. You know and your mom knows the love and the bond you share, saying you two are "close" just doesn't seem like the right word. I wish you much strength and much love to get through whatever comes next.

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  2. Lors, I feel your pain but you and Rita have put up a fierce fight. You are an amazing young lady and I know Rita is so very proud of you. Praying for you and Mandy to have the strength and courage to continue on.

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  3. Both you and your mother have been such an inspiration to us all. You've been so instrumental to the plight we fight each day, your voice echoes our own pain and hopes against stomach cancer. While my husband and I continue to fight, we keep you and your mother in our thoughts - sending miracle karma waves to you in mega amounts. Both you and your sister have shown that love knows no boundaries, and your mother is one amazing woman to have such girls to fight with her. Remember to breathe, just breathe and breathe again. That's my mantra - just breathe.

    You are my hero - because of you, I'll keep fighting and not give up.

    Thank you PK and GD - Montreal

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  4. Hi Lorita, my dad past away last June from stomach cancer,he had no pain until the second to last day of his life, where he started to take morphine. He died at home the next day. My dad didn't have any treatment as his condition wasn't diagnosed until 2 weeks before he died. I think that's how he wanted it. He was a stubborn man, but he was in control right up to the end. It's very hard to see someone die of this disease as he was a skeleton in the end, and couldn't get any sleep due to vomiting frequently. From my dad's experience I know that it's important to abide by our loved ones wishes, even when we want to hang on to them as long as possible. I miss my dad terribly but I also know he is at peace now, and not suffering like he was. Take care, and God be with you.

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