Monday, February 18, 2013

Hospice: Day 3

DAY 3 - Saturday

Day 3 was a complete nightmare. It was just a bad bad day. It was probably the worse feeling of hopelessness since this all began on my part.

I got a call early in the morning from mom that woke me up. Mom was  freaking out and having a massive anxiety/panic attack.  She was sobbing and crying that she wanted to leave this hospice, how she wanted to just go home and die there, how she wasn't happy there, and how no one was responding to her when she'd buzz for them to get there. She complained that she'd ask for medications but never received them.  She said she wanted me there as soon as possible.  I tried calling her nurse directly to give her ativan med which helps ease anxiety and restlessness but no answer. I called the main number and no answer. So, I pretty much dropped everything and rushed over there with my sister and brother in law. When I arrived, I managed to stabilize her by talking to her. I found a nurse and we gave her morphine and ativan to calm her down. Within a few minutes, she seemed at ease and she was out cold for several hours.

I talked to the nurse about her medications and she said that mom never even asked for them at all.  She never even buzzed.  So, I got them to schedule morphine every four hours.  It worried me though, cause they couldn't do a schedule of the ativan which is what eased her restlessness. At one point, I had gone to lie down to a nearby couch and mom had woken up and wanted some help sitting up. My sister proceeded to help My sister assured her that everything was ok and I was just taking a nap and calmed her down.

It broke my heart to sit there and not rush to her side but I felt like I had to take a few moments to myself to get a quick nap in for myself and the baby.

Earlier in the morning, I remembered my mom saying how she wanted family around her 24 hours a day cause she didn't want to die alone. These words haunted me because with my sister heading back home on Monday, it would be me alone with mom...taking on all that responsibility and being her blanket of comfort with my constant presence. I felt the burden of guilt because I didn't think I could physically be there with her 24 hours a day.  I cried for what was to come the next week.

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