Over the weekend, my sister and I toured several hospices and we made a decision which we think mom will be the happiest and most comfortable to spend her last days. From all those we've talked with recently...they are estimating about two weeks left once you stop TPN. Obviously that number is relative and it really depends on the individual situation but I wanted everyone to know that in case they (especially family out of state) wanted to come visit mom to see her one last time.
Tomorrow will be the first day of hospice. If I can, I will try to post short daily posts until the end to keep everyone updated but I don't know if I will be able to emotionally. All this has really taken a toll on me physically lately. I am prepared to lost her but it hurts me immensely to see her daily suffering. It's just so hard too bare these days. Last night I had a panic attack while leaving the rehab facility. I started crying uncontrollably and then for the first time, I physically couldn't breathe and my whole body was tense and trembled. Kinda nuts -- that's never happened before. Apart of me feels like I have no strength left to get through these last days...I feel so spent. I've been relying lately on a few close family members and a few close friends to get me through this. They have been a godsend to me lately. Always within reach whether it's in person, email, phone call or text practically each and every day.
This afternoon, mom had a thora again to drain her lungs (probably the last time) to make her more comfortable in the coming weeks. It was scary because they had to stop the procedure early and all the fluid could not be drained out this time because her lungs nearly collapsed. She was in a lot of pain coming out of the procedure and it took a long time to stabilize her. It was a very very long day at the hospital before heading back to the rehab facility.
I am so saddened to read this. This is the hardest part of all, getting ready to say goodbye. Let yourself grieve but make sure you also take care of yourself and the little one. Your mom undoubtedly is so proud of you and I am sure she is eternally grateful for your love and care. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this most difficult time. Your mom will leave this Earth knowing she was very loved and she will be your Guardian Angel forever. Remember that one day you will all be rejoined in heaven and that will be a great day.
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