Wednesday, August 1, 2012

This is it

The last few days have been so low for me. Mom has been having a rough couple days. She's been unable to keep anything of sustenance down and many other issues that I choose not to discuss.

I'm scared about tomorrow. This is it. Will this new chemo be responsive and give us more time? I'm so so tired of bad news and so is she. The realization that she won't make it through this has been taken a great emotional toll on her. All I can do is be there for her. A shoulder to cry on and a voice of hope. Up to this point, I've done a decent job at keeping my tears at bay and focusing on what I had to accomplish. But this week, I find myself just crying all the time because she's asked me to start doing research on hospice care and final arrangements.  

I also think of that look she gave me at our last appointment when she found out the cancer got worse haunts my mind. The tears that flooded her eyes and the trembling of her was like she was the child crying and I was the mother comforting her.

I am not very religious but tonight I am praying for some good news as we head into chemo round 3.  Sandra..Rajen...she's not ready yet.


  1. These post become more difficult for me to read at times and I couldn't possibly imagine your position. Our family and I continue to keep Aunty Rita in prayer and dont worry about being religious because your prayers are just a conversation with God. I am praying for healing and for you and Mandy too....we love you guys and here should you need always Sabrina

  2. I've cried to - many times in the last few months. It's ok to do that. In fact, you need to do that. Crying releases all that pent up emotion and makes one strong again.
    Me, my pals on Facebook and nearly everyone I know are praying hard for positive results this time.

  3. This is how i've been feeling since last saturday when the ER doctor shared the news that my mom's cancer had grown since she went off chemo and was waiting to potentially have a surgery. New chemo starts on Tuesday... hope we can contain and maybe reverse some of the damage that has happened in the last four weeks. My mom reacted the same way and is still on edge. Hoping Thanksgiving makes her smile and that her pain eases up so she can try to relax and spend quality family time together.